The First Step......

I am a food addict. I think about food 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I think about what I am going to eat as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. While I am eating breakfast I am wondering what I will make for lunch. For the remainder of the afternoon I am either thinking about dinner, cooking dinner, or trying to find something to satisfy my food needs until dinner is ready. No matter how filling my meals are I am wondering what I will eat next. I usually get everyone to bed and then find something to eat when it's quiet and I am all by myself. My food of choice is Ruffles potato chips dipped in sour cream. I must admit, I am horrified by my confession. I am very aware of how bad my food choices are but I continue down the same path deluding myself into thinking that I can stop at anytime and I am not that heavy so it's OK......then I look in the mirror. I can't hide my body when I am looking in the mirror. It's always there reminding me of my terrible food choices. Reminding me that I am overweight and hate what I see, but then I look away and pretend that I am not as heavy as I look.....the mirror adds 25lbs right?.......

I am in denial. If I just avoid mirrors and wear yoga pants everyday I am good. I usually put on the yoga pants with the intention of working out but I always find a reason why I can't seem to fit it in. I avoid getting my picture taken unless there is a way to hide my body, usually one of my boys assists with that. I feel like I am on the unending cycle of eating, denying, eating, guilt, eating, resolve, and then eating so more. Frankly it's exhausting to use so much of my mental brain power towards eating and food. By the end of each day, I go to bed with the resolve to wake up in the morning and "get healthy". Of course by the time morning rolls around I am so hungry that I throw all my resolve right out the window and start the vicious cycle again.

I am at the heaviest weight in my life, aside from the time when I was pregnant with my twins. I think I must state that I have not always been heavy. I was a little on the chubby side when I was little but once I entered middle school I was just fine. I wasn't ashamed of my body. I could wear a swimsuit and not think twice about my body. I didn't really start to struggle with weight until the last few months of my first pregnancy. I gained 50lbs total with my first baby. My second pregnancy went much better. I had lost 30lbs from the first pregnancy and I only gained 25lbs with my second baby. I ended up going through a divorce 2 years after the birth of my 2nd son. I was able to get down to 155lbs, which I was happy with. I am 5' 7" and 155 was pretty close to my ideal weight of 150lbs. After a while I met my current hubby and we were married 18months later. I did put on about 15lbs after we were married but I was able to hide it pretty well so I didn't worry. However I got the surprise of a lifetime when I found out I was pregnant with twins! Not only was I pregnant with twins but my pregnancy was difficult. I was on bed rest or restricted activities after 17 weeks and I managed to carry them to 36 weeks. Thankfully my twins were born healthy. I gained 60lbs with that pregnancy and I have been struggling ever since.

For the first time since I gained all that weight, I will admit my current weight. I have only told one person, not my hubby, what my true weight is. It has been a closely guarded secret. I have been so embarrassed that I allowed myself to get to this weight that I haven't wanted to tell anyone.My boys are so sweet but I catch them starring at my stomach. If I ask my twins what they are doing they are young enough to be honest and will say"I am looking at your big tummy mommy". Or they will say that they want to lay on my stomach because it's soft and squishy. You would think that those comments might get me off the couch and working out but no, usually I just try to forget what they said. I know that the only way I am ever going to get somewhere with my weight is to admit that I have a weight problem. I currently weigh 216lbs. That is 66lbs over my ideal weight! That's like carrying around 1 1/2 of my twins.......at all times.

Well I can't deny it anymore! I have admitted that I have a problem and now for the solution. Just seeing my weight in black and white makes me never want to eat again but I know that's not realistic so I must change my habits and behaviors. This is my journey......painfully honest at times......to loose weight and get healthy. I am ready for a change!