It's funny how quickly resolve can disappear. I was just reading through my older posts and realized how many times I have resolved to get healthy and start exercising. I have conversations all the time with other women about eating and exercising. Most of time we are discussing how difficult it is to get started or how hard it is to stay on track when everyone around you is eating all the stuff you want to eat or no one wants to go work out so or life is so busy that you only have enough energy to get the most important tasks finished. I am sure that I could go on for days about all the reasons why eating right and working out is inconvenient.
I am really good at resolving to be healthy after a long day of eating potato chips and candy.....sometimes to the point where I feel physically sick and tell my self, "I am never going to do this again! Tomorrow I am going to wake up and eat better!" However, morning comes and I wake up remembering my feelings of wanting to eat better but I am just so hungry and I don't feel sick anymore....so the cycle starts over. I sit here now wondering what will it take to flip that switch?
Maybe, I need to be bold and take a picture of my self in an outfit that does not hide the lumps and bumps, blow it up to a 16x20 poster size, and hang that on the refrigerator as a reminder to treat my body better. I think that if I was single I could do that, but I have a husband and four boys and I am not sure if my motivational picture will traumatize them......plus the thought of a giant picture hanging in a room for all to see sets fear into my soul! I know that I am a visual learner so I know that if I am going to finally, FINALLY, take control I have to do something visual. Maybe signs instead of a huge picture will help. That way I don't traumatize my boys or guests, but I still have my reminders to go after the things I want for myself.....
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Reality Check
So I attended a women's conference this past weekend and one of classes we could attend was Zumba. The instructor was this super cute, perky, girl that had enough energy to teach the class three times with out a break! I found out later that day that she had just had a baby eight weeks earlier!.......Reality set in.....my twins will be seven this summer and I haven't made any changes. I still look like I did right after they were born.
I have been thinking a lot about why I have allowed myself to be overweight for so long and I have come to the realization that I am afraid to loose weight. How silly is that? I am afraid of the hard work it takes to get my body back into shape. I am afraid of truly changing the way that I eat. I am afraid that I will look gross while I am working out (I know vanity.....as if other people would be watching me and care what I look like while I am working out) I am afraid that even with hard work and eating better, my body won't change....I won't loose weight. I am afraid to be hungry and feel hungry. I am afraid to give up my comfort foods. Even now as I am typing this, I am consumed with the desire to go eat......Ruffles Potato chips! It's just ridiculous and yet it feels to difficult to control......what am I going to do to conquer this? If only they made potato chip flavored gum.......
I have been thinking a lot about why I have allowed myself to be overweight for so long and I have come to the realization that I am afraid to loose weight. How silly is that? I am afraid of the hard work it takes to get my body back into shape. I am afraid of truly changing the way that I eat. I am afraid that I will look gross while I am working out (I know vanity.....as if other people would be watching me and care what I look like while I am working out) I am afraid that even with hard work and eating better, my body won't change....I won't loose weight. I am afraid to be hungry and feel hungry. I am afraid to give up my comfort foods. Even now as I am typing this, I am consumed with the desire to go eat......Ruffles Potato chips! It's just ridiculous and yet it feels to difficult to control......what am I going to do to conquer this? If only they made potato chip flavored gum.......
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Epiphany!
So I was talking with my mom the other day about how challenging this has been. I want to make the changes necessary to make my body healthy and strong but then the addiction takes over and overrules my better judgement. It has been driving me crazy! Anyway, I was trying to help her understand what I was feeling and she said, "you know you are stronger than this. You have been through way harder things in your life and have survived. You can do this!" Once she said that, it dawned on me.........I was letting food control me!
EPIPHANY!
I managed to escape a controlling, abusive marriage with my 2 boys ten years ago and I was determined to never let anyone or anything control my life again. Every time I put something in my body that is unhealthy or filled with sugar, it controls me. Why am I letting food take control of my mind and my body. This can not continue! I need to be in control not food!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Confessions Of A Food Addict......
I was talking with a friend about all of the silly things I do when it comes to food. We were giggling about wanting to eat candy and chocolate because we were feeling so stressed. I was saying that there are times I am thinking to my self......"is it bed time for the kids yet?"I know we just finished dinner and it's only 7 pm but I think the kids are looking awfully sleepy"! Once they are in bed then my thoughts turn to......"Honey, you're tired right? Don't you want to go to bed too"?
I am thinking these things because once everyone is in bed, It's my time. The house is all quiet and I can sit down to watch my shows on the DVR, and of course what do I want to do while I am watching my shows..........Eat a delicious salty snack(OK, so the portion size is more like a meal but my rule is, "if no one can see you eating the food, then the calories don't count" :). My salty snack is usually followed a small sweet treat just to even things out.
There are other times when I am so not hungry, yet my mind is thinking how delicious some cookies or cupcakes would be. Thankfully, I spare my self the calories most of the time because cookies and cupcakes are labor intensive and you have to wait for them to bake. (I have a slight phobia about eating raw cookie dough and cake batter so that's not a temptation. I have to wait for them to bake to dive in.) I can literally be completely satisfied after eating and immediately start to look for something sweet to eat. There are times when I try to find a reason to have to run to the store so I can pick up something sweet and eat it in the car before I get home. I even hide candy wrappers in the garbage can so my husband won't know how many Hershey Kisses or Reese's Peanut Butter Cups I really ate in one day.
"Me" time and food seem to go hand in hand.........It's my best friend. It never lets me down and I always feel happy when I am eating......until I have eaten so much that I feel sick, which leads to the resolve that I will never eat that much again, starting tomorrow.....and then when tomorrow comes I am hungry so the resolve goes out the window......and if I still have anything left, I rationalize that I have to finish it off so that it's out of the house. I don't want to throw it away because that would be so wasteful, so eating is the only logically option.......
I am thinking these things because once everyone is in bed, It's my time. The house is all quiet and I can sit down to watch my shows on the DVR, and of course what do I want to do while I am watching my shows..........Eat a delicious salty snack(OK, so the portion size is more like a meal but my rule is, "if no one can see you eating the food, then the calories don't count" :). My salty snack is usually followed a small sweet treat just to even things out.
There are other times when I am so not hungry, yet my mind is thinking how delicious some cookies or cupcakes would be. Thankfully, I spare my self the calories most of the time because cookies and cupcakes are labor intensive and you have to wait for them to bake. (I have a slight phobia about eating raw cookie dough and cake batter so that's not a temptation. I have to wait for them to bake to dive in.) I can literally be completely satisfied after eating and immediately start to look for something sweet to eat. There are times when I try to find a reason to have to run to the store so I can pick up something sweet and eat it in the car before I get home. I even hide candy wrappers in the garbage can so my husband won't know how many Hershey Kisses or Reese's Peanut Butter Cups I really ate in one day.
"Me" time and food seem to go hand in hand.........It's my best friend. It never lets me down and I always feel happy when I am eating......until I have eaten so much that I feel sick, which leads to the resolve that I will never eat that much again, starting tomorrow.....and then when tomorrow comes I am hungry so the resolve goes out the window......and if I still have anything left, I rationalize that I have to finish it off so that it's out of the house. I don't want to throw it away because that would be so wasteful, so eating is the only logically option.......
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Two steps forward, One step back
I just finished watching the Biggest Looser and the whole time I am watching it, I am dreaming about the Haagen-dazs icecream bars sitting in my freezer......in fact it's a Costco size box that I purchased before Christmas. Icecream bars aren't necessarily my weakness but now that I am not bringing in new candy or treats, they are looking very, VERY, tasty! How crazy is it to be watching a TV show about weight loss and thinking about eating one of the things that could put me on the show.......If I continue down the same path that I am on right now.
I started out so excited and strong. I was so relieved that I finally admitted that I had a problem and I felt strong and ready to conquer the world. Well that lasted 7 days then stress took over. I foolishly agreed to add more stress to my life and by the end of the week I think my stress had given birth.....I was overwhelmed and turned to what I know best......FOOD! Because I didn't have any Ruffles laying around I found Tortilla chips and Medium cheddar cheese. Salty and Delicious! I had lost 4lbs and now I am afraid to get on the scale. I feel heavier. I am sure I gained the weight and maybe a little more. I am ashamed that I turned to food. I am mad at my self for setting up road blocks right when I am about to start. This is much harder than I thought it would be.
I started out so excited and strong. I was so relieved that I finally admitted that I had a problem and I felt strong and ready to conquer the world. Well that lasted 7 days then stress took over. I foolishly agreed to add more stress to my life and by the end of the week I think my stress had given birth.....I was overwhelmed and turned to what I know best......FOOD! Because I didn't have any Ruffles laying around I found Tortilla chips and Medium cheddar cheese. Salty and Delicious! I had lost 4lbs and now I am afraid to get on the scale. I feel heavier. I am sure I gained the weight and maybe a little more. I am ashamed that I turned to food. I am mad at my self for setting up road blocks right when I am about to start. This is much harder than I thought it would be.
Monday, January 7, 2013
The First Step......
I am a food addict. I think about food 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I think about what I am going to eat as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. While I am eating breakfast I am wondering what I will make for lunch. For the remainder of the afternoon I am either thinking about dinner, cooking dinner, or trying to find something to satisfy my food needs until dinner is ready. No matter how filling my meals are I am wondering what I will eat next. I usually get everyone to bed and then find something to eat when it's quiet and I am all by myself. My food of choice is Ruffles potato chips dipped in sour cream. I must admit, I am horrified by my confession. I am very aware of how bad my food choices are but I continue down the same path deluding myself into thinking that I can stop at anytime and I am not that heavy so it's OK......then I look in the mirror. I can't hide my body when I am looking in the mirror. It's always there reminding me of my terrible food choices. Reminding me that I am overweight and hate what I see, but then I look away and pretend that I am not as heavy as I look.....the mirror adds 25lbs right?.......
I am in denial. If I just avoid mirrors and wear yoga pants everyday I am good. I usually put on the yoga pants with the intention of working out but I always find a reason why I can't seem to fit it in. I avoid getting my picture taken unless there is a way to hide my body, usually one of my boys assists with that. I feel like I am on the unending cycle of eating, denying, eating, guilt, eating, resolve, and then eating so more. Frankly it's exhausting to use so much of my mental brain power towards eating and food. By the end of each day, I go to bed with the resolve to wake up in the morning and "get healthy". Of course by the time morning rolls around I am so hungry that I throw all my resolve right out the window and start the vicious cycle again.
I am at the heaviest weight in my life, aside from the time when I was pregnant with my twins. I think I must state that I have not always been heavy. I was a little on the chubby side when I was little but once I entered middle school I was just fine. I wasn't ashamed of my body. I could wear a swimsuit and not think twice about my body. I didn't really start to struggle with weight until the last few months of my first pregnancy. I gained 50lbs total with my first baby. My second pregnancy went much better. I had lost 30lbs from the first pregnancy and I only gained 25lbs with my second baby. I ended up going through a divorce 2 years after the birth of my 2nd son. I was able to get down to 155lbs, which I was happy with. I am 5' 7" and 155 was pretty close to my ideal weight of 150lbs. After a while I met my current hubby and we were married 18months later. I did put on about 15lbs after we were married but I was able to hide it pretty well so I didn't worry. However I got the surprise of a lifetime when I found out I was pregnant with twins! Not only was I pregnant with twins but my pregnancy was difficult. I was on bed rest or restricted activities after 17 weeks and I managed to carry them to 36 weeks. Thankfully my twins were born healthy. I gained 60lbs with that pregnancy and I have been struggling ever since.
For the first time since I gained all that weight, I will admit my current weight. I have only told one person, not my hubby, what my true weight is. It has been a closely guarded secret. I have been so embarrassed that I allowed myself to get to this weight that I haven't wanted to tell anyone.My boys are so sweet but I catch them starring at my stomach. If I ask my twins what they are doing they are young enough to be honest and will say"I am looking at your big tummy mommy". Or they will say that they want to lay on my stomach because it's soft and squishy. You would think that those comments might get me off the couch and working out but no, usually I just try to forget what they said. I know that the only way I am ever going to get somewhere with my weight is to admit that I have a weight problem. I currently weigh 216lbs. That is 66lbs over my ideal weight! That's like carrying around 1 1/2 of my twins.......at all times.
Well I can't deny it anymore! I have admitted that I have a problem and now for the solution. Just seeing my weight in black and white makes me never want to eat again but I know that's not realistic so I must change my habits and behaviors. This is my journey......painfully honest at times......to loose weight and get healthy. I am ready for a change!
I am in denial. If I just avoid mirrors and wear yoga pants everyday I am good. I usually put on the yoga pants with the intention of working out but I always find a reason why I can't seem to fit it in. I avoid getting my picture taken unless there is a way to hide my body, usually one of my boys assists with that. I feel like I am on the unending cycle of eating, denying, eating, guilt, eating, resolve, and then eating so more. Frankly it's exhausting to use so much of my mental brain power towards eating and food. By the end of each day, I go to bed with the resolve to wake up in the morning and "get healthy". Of course by the time morning rolls around I am so hungry that I throw all my resolve right out the window and start the vicious cycle again.
I am at the heaviest weight in my life, aside from the time when I was pregnant with my twins. I think I must state that I have not always been heavy. I was a little on the chubby side when I was little but once I entered middle school I was just fine. I wasn't ashamed of my body. I could wear a swimsuit and not think twice about my body. I didn't really start to struggle with weight until the last few months of my first pregnancy. I gained 50lbs total with my first baby. My second pregnancy went much better. I had lost 30lbs from the first pregnancy and I only gained 25lbs with my second baby. I ended up going through a divorce 2 years after the birth of my 2nd son. I was able to get down to 155lbs, which I was happy with. I am 5' 7" and 155 was pretty close to my ideal weight of 150lbs. After a while I met my current hubby and we were married 18months later. I did put on about 15lbs after we were married but I was able to hide it pretty well so I didn't worry. However I got the surprise of a lifetime when I found out I was pregnant with twins! Not only was I pregnant with twins but my pregnancy was difficult. I was on bed rest or restricted activities after 17 weeks and I managed to carry them to 36 weeks. Thankfully my twins were born healthy. I gained 60lbs with that pregnancy and I have been struggling ever since.
For the first time since I gained all that weight, I will admit my current weight. I have only told one person, not my hubby, what my true weight is. It has been a closely guarded secret. I have been so embarrassed that I allowed myself to get to this weight that I haven't wanted to tell anyone.My boys are so sweet but I catch them starring at my stomach. If I ask my twins what they are doing they are young enough to be honest and will say"I am looking at your big tummy mommy". Or they will say that they want to lay on my stomach because it's soft and squishy. You would think that those comments might get me off the couch and working out but no, usually I just try to forget what they said. I know that the only way I am ever going to get somewhere with my weight is to admit that I have a weight problem. I currently weigh 216lbs. That is 66lbs over my ideal weight! That's like carrying around 1 1/2 of my twins.......at all times.
Well I can't deny it anymore! I have admitted that I have a problem and now for the solution. Just seeing my weight in black and white makes me never want to eat again but I know that's not realistic so I must change my habits and behaviors. This is my journey......painfully honest at times......to loose weight and get healthy. I am ready for a change!
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